Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
