Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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