Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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