I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
