I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
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