I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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