this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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