Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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