Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
