I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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