You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Randomize
