she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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