my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
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