He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Dear god my vagina.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
