Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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