That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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