I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I would fuck him just for his dog
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
