So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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