your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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