no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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