Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
her facebook's as public as her vagina
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
