Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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