i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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