Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
