I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
