No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
