My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
