dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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