just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
