Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
