Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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