K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
