If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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