I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
