I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
