I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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