I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
