So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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