i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
