Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
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