i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
