Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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