Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
