His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
