Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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