I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
