So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
is that a dick in a sweater?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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