shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
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