Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
