I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
