Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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