Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
