I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
