I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
