The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
