Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
