so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
