I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
