May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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