My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
