Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
