I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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